Pride... Not about me.
I feel it’s important to share as we embark on this journey the internal conflict we felt about year ago when we first thought maybe God was leading us to discontinue pregnancy efforts and pool our time, energy, and money into adoption.
About a year ago, before our last-ditch pregnancy effort with REACH, a family member brought up the idea of fundraising for an adoption, and I quickly felt a squirmy feeling inside. I hate asking people to do anything. I never host parties for direct sales companies (like Mary Kay, Origami Owl, Thirty-One, the list goes on) simply because hate feeling like I am pressuring someone to spend money on something. It makes me so uncomfortable. I won’t even do school fundraisers. You won’t catch me carrying an order form for cookie dough or wrapping paper around to family get-togethers. Goodness, I cannot imagine myself in a career that involved sales! I’d never make it.
Anyways, the idea of domestic infant adoption seemed like a pipe dream since there’s no way we’d ever be able to afford $30,000 after 4 years of 6 high-risk pregnancies, high-end medication and specialist visits, and subsequent surgeries. Add all that medical debt to the average student debt typical of 20-somethings, and well, it just seemed impossible to even consider. We thought about DSS, but having already been through the classes (their goal is always reunification over adoption) and having them lose our paperwork and witnessing first hand how broken that system is, we knew it would be unhealthy (at this point in our lives and Makinzy’s life) after 6 losses to risk more heartbreak. And there was such a burden on our heart for domestic infant adoption. The very idea of a birthmother, uneasy about her pregnancy, struggling with the idea of abortion, and choosing life and love for her child hits the heart at what we believe in as pro-life Believers. The church MUST be there to welcome these children and help birthmothers see a beautiful alternative to abortion. When you feel God’s burdening of your heart for something, you just don’t ignore it. Which meant I had to have a head on collision with my pride. God lead us to the road of domestic infant adoption, something we cannot do without asking for financial help.
Asking for donations has made me hyper conscious of my own spending. I get dressed in the morning and wonder if my outfit looks too expensive for someone fundraising. I get anxious in the grocery store worrying that if someone sees me buying name-brand Greek yogurt instead of the store-brand (sorry, it just tastes better) they might somehow think less of me. Yes. That’s my pride at work there.
I’m in a constant battle with this feeling, but God continues to give me comfort through the scriptures that we are NOT meant to go at this alone. Asking for (and receiving) donations and planning and executing fundraisers is a humbling process. I have had to lay down my pride to be obedient. As I have poured over scripture relating to adoption, I read over and over that God expects His church to care for the orphans. This is meant to be a community effort. When Believers see a Christian family seeking to adopt, we are supposed to jump in and help make it happen! This is not about the money in my bank account, but the plan God has to care for His children. I have to stop making it about me.
I can’t wait to kiss the cheeks of our future family member. Likewise, I hope someone else is inspired by our family to adopt, and you better believe I can’t wait to come alongside them in support.