Open door.

Here we go! We have been planning and dreaming and hoping and thinking about this process for a little while now, so it's finally time to share our plans and goals with all of our friends and family. I'm scared and nervous. 

Getting the news that conceiving and carrying a child would not be in our plans was hard. So hard. We've grieved that, and may continue to grieve that for who knows how long. Even with surrogacy, we loose the opportunity for feeling baby kick and for the labor and birth experience. For those who say it's not a great experience to mourn, well, it's easy to say that when you've had it and haven't dreamed of it your whole life. Nonetheless, the insurmountable joy we find in the promise of adoption helps immensely. Adoption and surrogacy were about the same in costs, but with our cause of miscarriage so unknown (most likely an autoimmune response in my body as our chromosomes and genetic testing have come back perfect each time), there's still a chance that it is more "deeply" genetic and we could miscarry even in a gestational carrier. Without our state insurance to cover IVF, we knew it could be costly risk.

So it became clear. We had ALWAYS known we'd adopt. We have Makinzy. We have thought often about adopting again but each time it was a question of how and when without clear direction or focus. And then this news... It was finally clear to us. DNA has absolutely no effect on our love for a child. You can look at Makinzy and see elements of us in her that have been born and given through love and not genetics. So what was our real purpose in having a child? Was it to have someone to pass on a legacy of eye color and genes? Or a legacy of love? It was a door closed and door open. I feel so much relief to have miscarriages behind us and adoption in our future. There will always be sadness in the closing of that door, but again, what joy awaits as we open this new door! 

-B