I’ve not written on this blog since before Mira died, but I have updated the Mira page about losing her as well as on the Mira Facebook page. But as far as writing about the loss itself, I haven’t done nearly as much as perhaps one might expect from me. It’s just been hard to find the right words or the energy to think them through.
Over the last year, I have quietly been blogging, mostly about home DIY, on a new site. On my old blog, I chronicled a full ten years of our lives - college, getting married, establishing careers in teaching, facing and surviving six devastating miscarriages, the sudden addition of a snaggle-tooth seven year old, and navigating family life and a complex open adoption in the midst grief and lots of joy too - some crazy, amazing, transformative years. When we moved last year, and while we were waiting for our second adoption (Mira) it felt right to “close the book” on my decade long blogging experience over at shinefromtheinside.blogspot.com. At the time we moved, we had a new home, new car, new baby on the way, new position for Jake, new role at work for me... so much newness. It just felt right to start a new blog. But then, Mira came. And life changed even more. I changed. Her birth. Her hospitalizations and life at home. Her death. The last year hasn’t be exactly conducive for a regular writing routine, though I tried to write it down here as often as I could.
I wish I could fully put into details the suffocating, physical pain that washes over us in waves that threaten to drown us. And at the most unexpected moments. Putting on shoes, walking through the grocery store, for example. Despite the waves, we have put our energy and emphasis on “going on” with life - home remodeling projects, short trips (recently Charleston, Wilmington, and Asheville) and, importantly, we started adoption process with Bethany Christian Services again. We’re a waiting family once again, eagerly expecting another baby to join our home. So this adoption website, while chronicling the crazy-amazing impact of Mira, will now also chronicle the eager expectation (also the name of my new blog) of another adoption.
Waiting before Mira was spent doing all the moving things. I filled my angsty, impatient hands with home projects while we waited for her. Now, I am finding I am doing much of the same as we wait for our third (second? ninth?) child. Perhaps it is nesting.
The waiting phase of adoption is always much harder than one thinks it will be. For me, I found it to be time to do things, like moving and throwing myself into work. Now, the waiting time has given me the chance throw myself into the “work” of grieving, which has been described as emotionally and physically exhausting as digging a legitiamite ditch. I agree with that thought, by the way. It’s not just missing her, which is hard in itself, but also letting go of the future you imagined. It’s the ressurection of old hurts of previous miscarriages, the pain of an empty womb. From what I understand, grief work involves acceptancing death’s impact on the bond you share, readjusting to life without them, and then establishing new relationships and new enrichment. I guess, we would be in parts one and two. I have to respect and appreciate this waiting time because it has somewhat forced us to do these things - to accept and figure out life without Mira - instead of jumping head first into raising another child and not working through the loss of her. And that’s dangerous, to be honest. Grief left untouched demands to be heard, felt, and untangled. Of course, no new child could ever replace the ache of her. Because she was her. Her eyes, her broken little heart, her personality, her future, her birthfamily and her birthstory. I have not once worried that adopting again would somehow damage my memory of her, nor have I once felt that a new child would lessen the loss of her. It would have, however, distracted me from dealing with this grief work that we have maneuvered through over the last five months. So for the wait, I am thankful. And I fully believe that the right child will arrive at the right time, just as Mira did.
Over at witheagerexpectations.com, I plan to blog more regularly, and post about things like home improvement projects, parenting and teaching, faith and loss, while this site will stay devoted to our family’s adoption processes. I look forward to soon adding another page at the top of this website, with another amazing birthstory.
God has blessed me with so much, and I do eagerly expect more. I know that, in obedience, we are to keep our arms open, and He will fill them in His time and in His mysterious ways. It won’t be without pain or difficulty, but because of Mira, I am without fear. We know we can tackle anything because He has, and will continue to sustain us even in the darkest valley.